Hide and Seek

I feel like I can’t write

And there is a reason why I can’t write

It’s not because I have writers block

I have so many ideas

But in which version of this piece do I feel the least vulnerable

In which version do I make the most impact but expose the least

See I’ve been pushing this away for days

I’ve been staring at my screen for hours

And here I am asking, where do I start? When all I really want to do is hide

I’m playing a game of hide and seek

but I think people forgot to seek.

They forgot to seek what’s behind the smiles, the Instagram photos and the “I’m fine”

Or maybe just like me they’re afraid to go deep

To be honest I’m afraid to search further inside because I know what’s truly in that closet that I hide

And man, I can tell you it’s ugly

It’s not the confident, strong, and quirky Amaris you know

It’s the insecure, screwed up, and anxious child who lays awake at night wondering why

It’s the girl who can work 24/7 and still thinks she hasn’t done enough

It’s the girl who tries to save the world but can’t save herself.

But just like everyone else let me put on a show

Let’s cover the pain like it doesn’t exist

Let’s put on our masks and go on with our lives

Let’s prove Shakespeare’s point, and strut upon the stage of life

A reason I love acting is because for a moment I can be the best version of myself  

Not saying that I hate myself

Because I’m a pretty big deal, I am the daughter of the most high

God made me amazing and unique

And I genuinely love myself

But I love acting because I’m no longer that person in pain

I’m no longer that person with trust issues and who constantly worries

I’m just the confident, strong, and quirky version of myself

I’m Amaris without the vulnerabilities and that’s the version I like

But that aint life

God didn’t come to use perfect beings

Life brings pain and tribulations

That pain that has been in my closet for years

That pain that has caused my anxiety

That pain that God has allowed but I don’t fully understand

That pain God has used to mold me

When I take my mask off and show that pain I see how God uses it to transform lives

But after I take off the mask I feel scared, weak and exposed.

And in my ears, I hear my insecurities telling me to put the mask back on, and I do

See I want others to be real with me, and I try to be real with others

But I can only be real to a certain degree 

Because if I trust you and I open up to you, are you going to use that against me?

Are you going to hurt me?

I just told you I don’t like being vulnerable and my mask protects me

Or does it really hurt me?

Just like you I’m constantly fighting these insecurities

I’m fighting the demons that come against me

I struggle with being real

I struggle with not hiding

I wear masks with different people and in different occasions

But as I wear masks I realize I’m becoming isolated

They’re just hurting me

This closet is crowded but it makes me feel lonely

How do I completely let go?

How do I get out of here?

I actually know the way out, but it seems scary

Letting it all go

Letting God take control

Giving him my burden so I can finally rest

Lord help me

I want to take off my masks

And lay my burdens at your feet

I want to feel your complete peace

I know you’ve used my pain to mold me

Help me give you all including my vulnerabilities